Sunday Night Anxiety - the final (?) key 🔑
I struggled with anxiety for years. I saw a psychologist about it in 2012 or so. We did cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) together. It made a big difference, but it never really got rid of my anxiety. I think I now know why.
In a way, I've spent the previous decade trying to figure it out. There is the most obvious reason - anxiety is an emotion. 🎭 Emotions come and ago. And they're an important part of the human experience.
Anxiety isn't actually bad or negative. It's just uncomfortable. And it was my desire for comfort (and maybe more importantly, my desire to avoid discomfort) that had me wish it wasn't there. I got anxious about my anxiety. Perversely, thinking it was bad and wanting it gone made it worse and helped it stick around a lot longer.
So, if emotions are not good or bad, what are they?
They are messengers of deep needs and values that you have. 🧡💙
Back in 2012, I had somewhat competing values - I wanted to do a great job, I wanted people to like and respect and value me, and I wanted to live my life and have time for fun. I happened to exist in a situation (junior corporate associate at big firm) where I couldn't figure out a way to do all that. I wasn't prepared to ruffle feathers, and I also wanted to carve out time for my life and never have to cancel plans. My anxiety was telling me that I was going to miss out on one (or both) of those goals. It was worry that I wasn't going to meet the standards I'd set out for myself. 😞
Until I changed my physical situation (by leaving my job or otherwise) or my mental situation (what I wanted, the actions I permitted myself, my beliefs about how things worked, etc.), the anxiety was never going to go away completely - it still had a message it needed delivered.
So the keys to dealing with it:
1. Realize it isn't bad. Accept it when it comes up.
2. Try to figure out what it's trying to tell you.
3. Make appropriate changes (whether situational or mental (e.g. changing beliefs or letting go of expectations)).
Well, fast forward and I've done that, and the anxiety still comes up. So there was something I was missing:
Part of my anxiety was physical.
I associated anxiety with a particular physical feeling in my body. And when it came up I "felt anxious". I hated this feeling (which makes achieving #1 really hard).
I've been doing breathwork lately (specifically, the Wim Hof method). There's a part of his method where you expel all the air from your lungs and hold your breath for some time.
And that feeling, where you're sitting there and all you want to do is breathe and your entire body wants to squirm. And then you feel like you have insects crawling all over you. Well, that feels pretty darn similar to my anxiety.
So doing this breathwork is not just achieving whatever benefits Hof says it will (my buddy who I trust on these things has looked at the science and says it's legit), it's also a form of exposure therapy for my anxiety. I get that feeling and I just sit with it. It's not bad. It's part of the process. In a way it's a good feeling because it shows I'm a person that follows through with my commitments.
So now when I get that uncomfortable feeling, it's not a big deal. I'm getting #1 on lock.
I'm purposefully sending this on Sunday evening because I remember how terrible I used to feel then. If that's you right now {{ subscriber.first_name }} I'd encourage you to take a few minutes and sit there (perhaps with pen and paper) and figure out what's going on.
And if you want any help, holler at me. I can help. One of my gifts is listening and seeing what's going on underneath.
Much love.
- Paul
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