Four Ways I will Show Up Differently
I've recently been reading What Got You Here Won't Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith (on amazon.com; amazon.ca) and I've been impressed.
The book is geared towards successful professionals in the corporate world who want to become more successful. I've taken away a few things that I want to incorporate and, despite the book's business focus, a few takeaways are in my personal life.
So, here are four things that I will do differently:
Stop saying "I Thought Of That"
One of Goldsmith's 20 habits that hold us back is "Telling the world how smart we are". This shows up in my life by needing to assure people that (where true), I had, in fact, thought of whatever it was they were suggesting to me (e.g. Boss: Don't forget to check with X stakeholder. Me: That was next on my list.).
Why stop? Two reasons:
- I don't want to be the person that needs to show other people how smart I am. I know I'm smart and that's enough.
- Frankly, I'd probably do a better job at convincing someone how smart I am by not trying to convince them. Ask yourself, who seems more confident: the friend who says "I'm confident" or the friend who acts confidently?
These little comments are insidious ways of me trying to prove myself. That's not how I want to live. Further, these comments undermine me - why would I want to do that to myself?
Stop Trying to Win All the Time
Anyone ever tell you that you won the battle but lost the war?
Let me give you an example. Megan and I debate about where to go for dinner, and we pick her choice. The food aint great and the service is worse. My choice would have been better. What do I do? 1) I can forget about it and enjoy the night. 2) I can point out how my choice would have been better (and get a little smug, a little sour, or both).
I'm embarrassed to say how often I take option 2 and not option 1. There are times when it just doesn't matter if I was right. In this case, trying to win the contest of where we should go for dinner only serves to alienate my wife, keep score, and set the tone that our marriage is a zero-sum game. That's not what I want.
Shut Up When Angry
I've spoken while angry before. It never turns out better than if I had shut my mouth and dealt with it later. I can only think of one thing worse than speaking while angry: emailing while angry.
Goldsmith tells an interesting story on this point:
A Buddhist legend tells of a young farmer who was covered with sweat as he paddled his boat up the river. He was going upstream to deliver his produce to the village. He was in a hurry. It was a hot day and he wanted to make his delivery and get home before dark. As he looked ahead, he spied another vessel, heading rapidly downstream toward his boat. This vessel seemed to be making every effort to hit him. He rowed furiously to get out of the way, but it didn't seem to help.
He yelled at the other vessel, "Change direction, you idiot! You are going to hit me. The river is wide. Be careful!" His screaming was to no avail. The other vessel hit his boat with a sickening thud. He was enraged as he stood up and cried out to the other vessel, "You moron! How could you manage to hit my boat in the middle of this wide river? What is wrong with you?"
As he looked at the other vessel, he realized that there was no one in the other boat. He was screaming at an empty vessel that had broken free of its moorings and was going downstream with the current.
The lesson is simple. There is never anyone in the other boat. When we are angry, we are screaming at an empty vessel.
In my life, the other boat is the dumb client, traffic gridlock, or the baby who won't stop crying. They're not being malicious (in other words, they're not purposely trying to ram my boat). In many cases they don't like the situation any more than I do. It's just part of life.
The solution? Walk away if I can, and shut up if I can't.
Stop Asking For Feedback and Then Expressing My Opinion
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Some times after I hear feedback, I want to tell them how I came to my conclusion, and the other considerations I took into account that maybe they hadn't considered. Really I'm trying to give them more context to see if their recommendations change.
Instead, it just comes off as insecure. The only correct response is "thank you." .... or maybe "thank you, you've given me something to think about."
Then, once I've had a chance to let my ego settle down and let the feedback percolate, I can think through it properly.
What's the take-away?
Interestingly, all of the things I've written down here involve me shutting up. Don't assure people I had thought of that. Don't remind people my choice would have been better. Don't speak when angry. Don't express my opinion after asking for feedback.
I just need to do a better job at keeping my mouth shut.
Goldsmith has a suggestion:
"Stopping this behavior is not hard - a three-step drill in which you (a) pause before opening your mouth to ask yourself, "Is anything I say worth it?" (b) conclude that it isn't, and (c) say, "Thank you."
I'm going to channel one of my gradeschool teachers and remind myself that we have two ears and one mouth because we're meant to listen twice as much as we talk.
Do any of these resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below or on Facebook/Instagram/LinkedIn.