What Rules Guide Your Decisions?

Rules of Thumb

In my opinion, the "true rules" segment is the most important part of Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project (on amazon.ca; amazon.com). These are essentially rules of thumb (heuristics) that guide the decisions that Rubin makes in her life. Or, in Rubin's very precise (but not as accessible) words, they are an "idiosyncratic collection of principles ... for making decisions and setting priorities."

The label "true rules" can be a bit confusing because they're not necessarily objectively true. Instead, the person who "owns" that rule believes it to be true. 

It's important to note that they're not guaranteed to give you the right answer, and they're not even guaranteed to reconcile with each other without conflict (which is pretty standard for rules of thumb). 

Let me be clear, these are not aspirational rules. These are the rules that each of us actually follow in our decision making process. 

Umm, Examples Please

Sure, here are some of the rules she frequently uses:

• My children are my most important priority.
• Get some exercise every day.
• Jamie is my top priority, in matters big or small.
• Get some work done every day.
• Whenever possible, choose vegetables.
• I know as much as most people.
• I'm in a hurry.
• Try to attend any party or event to which I'm invited.
• My parents are almost always right.
• If I'm not sure whether to include some text, cut it out.
• Never eat hors d'oeuvres, and never eat anything at a children's party.
• When making a choice about what to do, choose work.

A few things I want to point out:

1. There's a bit of a conflict if Jamie (her husband), her kids, and work are her top priority. If they come into conflict, what wins out? (hint: it's not her happiness). 
2. These rules are very personal - I happen to think that hors d'oeuvres are awesome.
3. 'Cut any text you're not sure about' is excellent advice.

You can see that these are the rules of thumb that she uses to make decisions in the moment. Invited to a party? Check the list. "We'll go." Parents suggest we avoid X restaurant? Check the list. "We'll skip it." Parents suggest we skip a party we're invited to? Check the list. "...Oh shit."

Okay, So Why Does This Matter?

It's important to note that while these rules often serve us, they don't always serve us.

In particular, I have the following two rules:

• I'm in a hurry.
• I don't have time for everything I need to do.

So whenever I need to make a decision about whether to relax, or to stop and chat with a friend, or to wash the dishes, my mind runs through those two rules. This happens a lot throughout the day. Whenever I need to make a decision about how to feel, my mind reminds me that I'm in a hurry and that I don't have enough time for everything. I end up feeling shitty no matter what I choose. 

Rubin also had the "I'm in a hurry" rule and she noticed that it didn't serve her. She says:

I worked to change that rule to 'I have plenty of time for the things that are important to me.' By questioning my True Rules instead of applying them unthinkingly, I could make sure I applied them only when they'd guide me to decisions that reflected my true priorities.

Now, whenever "I'm in a hurry" responds through my head, I respond with "I have plenty of time for the things that are important to me."

And it has made a huge difference. I feel calm and more at peace with my prioritizing.

As explained to me, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (also known as CBT) focuses on the connection between your emotions, your thoughts, and your behaviours. People can enter into a negative feedback loop between their emotions, thoughts, and behaviours (sort of like when you hold a mic to a speaker). Remember Fat Bastard from Austin Powers? "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle."

This cycle would look different for different people. Even if the behaviour was always overeating, the emotion behind it could be sadness, anxiety, or a feeling of helplessness, and the thought could be "I'm ugly" or "I can't accomplish anything". These cycles are very personal and can truly be vicious.

In my example, my thought is "I'm in a hurry and don't have enough time for everything", this triggers anxiety, which drives the behaviour that I frantically try to do everything I need to do. Except that this frantic behaviour and constant starting of projects (often without finishing them) ends up as further evidence of how I don't have enough time which reinforces the original thought. Wash, rinse, repeat.

CBT looks to break this connection. If you can break the chain at any of those links, the feedback loop stops and the path to better can start. For instance, if one could learn to be unhappy without overeating, or overeat without thinking "I'm ugly", or think "I'm ugly" without feeling unhappy, the cycle would be broken. 

By telling myself "I have plenty of time for the things that are important to me", I break my loop. Now that I'm not thinking I don't have enough time, there's no anxiety and I'm able to focus on whatever I prioritize.

So ... What Does This Mean For Me?

That's going to be a deeply personal answer. What rules do you follow? What rules of thumb do you use as you travel through your day? Through your life?

For example, a friend thinks "I don't have time for people" because he works with a lot of dumb people and finds them aggravating. That rule may serve him at work, but it probably gets in his way while he's out socializing or dating.

If you can truly get clarity over what's going on in your head, you can get rid of the things that don't serve you and tangibly improve your life.

I'd love to hear your insights into your own rules. There's a comment section below, and of course I'm on Instagram and on Facebook. Or you can email me.