Performance Reviews at Home - Don't Hide From the Truth You Need to Hear

I’ve been reading What Got You Here Won’t Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith (on amazon.com; amazon.ca) recently and there’s been a lot of good ideas in the book. There’s one in particular that I wanted to highlight today.

The idea itself is simple. I'd like to introduce it with a little story Goldsmith tells about how he managed to avoid his annual physical examination for 7 years. He says:

A [big] reason for [avoiding things like doctor's appointments] is our need to hide from the truth – often from what we already know. We know we need to visit a doctor or dentist, but we don’t because we might not want to hear what he has to say. We figure if we don’t seek out bad news about our health or teeth, there can’t be any bad news. We do the same in our personal life.

Think about that for a second. Do you do that?

Now let me ask a different question, when was the last time you asked your partner: “What can I do to be a better partner?”

Marshall thinks people don't often ask that question because : "They’re afraid of the answer. It might hit too close to home. And, worse, then they’d have to do something about it."

I’ll admit – I was scared to ask it. What if she gave me actionable items? I was already stretched so thin. What if she asked for something that would take too much of me to give?

In the end, I went ahead and asked her anyway. I know that when I don’t know the answer, the possibilities (including the bad ones) are endless, and my mind tends to jump to the bad ones. For me, not knowing can cause so much more anxiety. Even if she had given me something that would have been too much for me at the time, it would have started a conversation.

So, I asked. She had some thoughts. We worked through them.

I recommend:

1. I prefer “What can I do to be a better partner to you?” The "to you" can be a prompt for your partner to consider their personal needs instead of just considering your 'objective' performance as a partner.
2. I was very happy that I introduced it when I did not have my own feedback to give. After Megan answered my question (i.e. I’d like it if you did X and Y), she asked her own question – “What about me? Is there anything I can be doing to better meet your needs?” I was happy to say no and that I was asking this solely to be a better partner. So ideally, ask this when you don't have feedback. And if you do have feedback? Well, maybe you should still ask the question. I can't think of a better way to get started on improving yourselves collectively.

Ultimately, this can be a scary conversation to have. I haven’t met anyone who likes to receive negative feedback (especially in this area of their life), but it comes down to: What type of person do you want to be for your partner?