Fitting-In Is The Opposite Of Belonging
I bet a lot of these people felt like they belonged to something bigger than themselves.
I was chatting recently with a client about her social groups. She had a group of friends where she got along really well with everyone - she was herself, people liked her and she liked them. Being with them was relaxing and rejuvenating. She belonged.
Then there was another group (a work circle). People still liked her, but she felt that she had to act a certain way. She could only bring certain parts of herself. It wasn’t recharging, it was draining. She didn’t belong, she was only fitting in.
Different groups of friends. In one she belonged, in the other she didn’t. In one she was recharged, in the other she was drained. They were opposites.
What Does This Mean?
Brené Brown (in the Gifts of Imperfection) says that belonging is “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us“. I want to belong in my family, at work, with my friends. Even my relationship is larger than just me (and do I ever want to belong there).
So how does this work? Brown says:
It’s so much easier to say, “I’ll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I’m part of this.” From gangs to gossiping, we’ll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our need for belonging. But it doesn’t. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are.
Let that sink in a minute.
Even if you fit in, if you’re not bringing your authentic self, it’s not actually you that’s belonging, it’s an incomplete version of you.
When we’re bringing an incomplete version of ourselves, we’re essentially acting - we’re pretending. No wonder it’s draining.
So how do you belong more instead of fitting in?
Aiming For Authenticity
Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
Seems obvious once it’s pointed out, but the way to belong is to bring the real you and be accepted. We can’t control whether we’ll be accepted or not, but we can control whether we show up as our authentic selves.
People have commented that one of the things they’ve always liked about me is that I’m true to myself, even when it’s not normal, popular or cool. I got lucky. I went to a summer camp where I felt that I belonged. And I didn’t belong at school. And so I started to get comfortable being myself even when I was different from the herd (or, at least, how the herd presented itself).
You’re probably thinking ‘that’s all fine, but I can control whether I’m accepted by controlling which version of myself shows up. And since I need to be accepted at work, I’m going to make sure I fit in.’
I hear you. And I want to point out that life isn’t binary (i.e. we’re either bringing our whole authentic selves, or we’re selling out and fitting in). Just because your 100% authentic self won’t fit in at work doesn’t mean that more authenticity wouldn’t serve you.
What Does This Mean For You?
Two things:
Most of us dilute who we are in order to fit in at work. Is that you? I challenge you to bring a bit more of your full authentic self to work. Crack some jokes. Show more of your personality.
Generally, we need to accept our authentic self before we can bring it. How much do you accept yourself? There’s a lot to get into here, so stay tuned for my next post.
Do you belong in the groups that you’re a part of? How energizing are they for you?