The Bigger The Front...
… The Bigger The Back
What drives you crazy? Bigotted coworkers? Being interrupted while speaking? Being treated rudely by your boss? You could be projecting your own issues onto others (or “splitting”, as its technically called). I’ve met people who hate terrible drivers without realizing they suck at driving; people who hate being interrupted but don’t realize they never let you finish a thought; and people who hate rudeness but are ignorant of how poorly they treat others.
Stephen Grosz (an experienced psychoanalyst) wrote The Examined Life (it’s great btw). In it, he sets out an excellent vignette to illustrate splitting.
Vignette
He tells a story about meeting a woman (Abby) travelling to London with her two teenage sons. She says she’s going to see her mother. It’ll be the first time in 16 years - since her parents cut her out of their lives. He asks why.
She says I started dating this catholic guy I met at medschool. Now I’m Jewish, but we were never particularly observant so I thought it would be fine. But my father was extremely upset by the idea of my blond boyfriend. When we got engaged, my dad said he’d have nothing more to do with me if I got married. My father hasn’t spoken to me since my wedding day. As usual, my mother followed him.
I could never figure it out. Was my father jealous? It made no sense. I reached out for years but gave up after they didn’t respond to the birth announcement for my first child.
Then my mother called out of the blue. She said she and my father were divorcing.
My father had been having an affair with his receptionist since I had been in high school. Surprise, surprise - his catholic, blond secretary. It just goes to show you, the bigger the front, the bigger the back.
Take-Aways
In this case, the front is the father’s hatred for his daughter sleeping with and being attrached to a (blond, catholic) non-jew. The back is his hatred at himself for sleeping with and being attracted to a (blond, catholic) non-jew (and presumably his hatred for the infidelity that results).
This is splitting - when we subconsciously project feelings we have that we hate onto others so we don’t have to feel them. Grosz says :
Typically, we want to see ourselves as good, and put those aspects of ourselves that we find shameful into another person or group. … When Abby’s father cut her off, he was trying to cut himself off from those hateful aspects of himself that he could not bear. In the short term, this gives us some relief - “I’m not bad, you are.” … Rather than recognize his devils as his own, Abby’s father meets them, as if for the first time, in his daughter.
Two things to take away:
The front and back are mirror images of the same thing. The hatred he shows towards Abby is the same hatred he feels toward himself.
The front and back are proportionally connected. The level of his hatred for Abby is indicative how much he hates himself. The severity of your response to the projection is indicative of how you feel about that issue in yourself.
How This can Show Up
Grosz continues: “Whenever I hear about a family-values politician who’s caught with his pants down, or some homosexuality-is-a-sin evangelist found in bed with a male prostitute, I think - the bigger the front, the bigger the back.”
Personally, I’ve seen it show up in smaller ways:
A colleague who hates his boss because she plays the corporate game (instead of taking a principled stand) - and he doesn’t realize he does it too.
A friend who judges people who chase status - and yet he works a job he hates in large part because of the prestige.
How It Shows Up For Me
I was surprised when I examined my own feelings after reading Grosz’s vignette.
I used to judge parents who would consistently put themselves first instead of their children. I believe that it’s important to still be your own person, but some parents’ don’t realize the impact their actions had on their children and I judged them for it.
Then I realized - I’m worried that I’m too selfish to be the dad I want to be. I was judging them because I saw a kindred selfishness and was worried I might do the same things.
Awareness here is key. I can be deliberate in building a life that balances both interests and I can adjust as necessary, but only if I actually see what’s under the surface.
What This Means For You
In all of the cases listed above, awareness of the issue allows you to deal with it and move forward with your life. So…
What’s pissing you off? What can’t you stand about your boss at work? Or your partner (romantic or business)? Where are you fronting in your life?
Take a long, hard look at yourself. It’s possible you’ll find that you’re only seeing yourself in their reflection.
After all, judging someone else doesn’t define who they are, it defines who you are.