Was life meant to be more than this?
I found myself wrestling with that question yet again. It didn’t feel fair. I had set goals, I had achieved them. Why wasn’t I happier? What else did I need?
And I knew I loved life - I had all these things I loved doing, that I wanted to do.
So why didn’t I love my life?
I had more than my share of successes. I should be happy, I should love my life.
And I didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy - I mean, objectively everything was great: I live in Canada, I had a prestigious job, I had friends and family that love me.
Some call that the “ultimate failure” - when you’ve had success after success, but still don’t feel successful.
Something was off and I was miserable.
I felt pot-committed. Like I was trapped, and that it was too late to do anything but put my head down and hope I could retire soon. I wasn’t trapped because I literally couldn’t do anything. I was trapped because I was afraid that the life I would love didn’t exist.
That I might leap only to find myself falling through a mirage, having thrown away whatever success I had in the first place.
I'm a lawyer. I don’t practice anymore though.
I spent 12 years in corporate. I've worked in private practice (at a top-tier Canadian law firm), in the private sector (at an international retailer (the oldest in North America)), and in the public sector (at an agency responsible for regional transportation). I've lived the corporate world. Public and private M&A. Negotiations. Board meetings. $500M+ deals. Strategic partnerships. I've had plenty of responsibility and the opportunity to make a difference. I grew an incredible amount and I'm grateful for my experience.
I had success. And yet something was missing. It felt as if I was following someone else's life script.
I kept daydreaming about winning the lottery, as if that would somehow solve my problems.
For a time, I coped. I ran, traveled, painted, read, and spent time with great people. I dealt with anxiety and depression, but managed to keep functioning. I kept my problems (mostly) at bay.
And eventually I moved in with my partner. And eventually we had a child. And with so much less time, my coping mechanisms no longer worked. Like trying to bail water out of a sinking boat using a sippy cup.
Then: Burn out. Resentment. Guilt. I wasn't the me that I wanted to be and I didn't show up properly. That wasn't fair to my family, and it wasn't fair to me.
Leader Rising
And then, I decided that I was done waiting for the solutions to fall into my lap. I wasn’t going to win the lottery. I had to build the life I wanted - the life that would make me happy.
I’ve had to become more intentional. I now care about being "on purpose".
For me, that meant prioritizing health (sleep, exercise, good diet), community (family, friends), and soul (painting, reading, writing).
I realized that some of the things that I enjoyed doing were harming me - I still liked them, but the opportunity cost of not being able to do something different was not worth it anymore.
So I focused my life on the things that matter most, and I felt the needle move. Life was better. I felt more fulfilled…
…
… and before I could truly build the “perfect” life, I burnt out. I found myself exhausted and questioning what I was doing.
Well it turns out this was just the next level of the same problem:
I had originally thought success would make me happy. And it didn’t.
And then I tried to build the life circumstances that would make me happy.
Do you see? Even while taking responsibility, I was still relying on the circumstances to make me happy…
And so I hadn’t actually taken true responsibility. I had just taken the first step. You see, taking responsibility for your life also means taking responsibility for your feelings and how you show up.
I learned that I can’t just build the life I want, I also need to be the person I want to be.
And it’s been wonderful. Difficult, but wonderful. I have a renewed sense of focus and gratitude, and I feel as if I'm directing my ship rather than drifting rudderless through my life.
I want to be a great husband and the best father. And I also want to make a difference in peoples' lives. I've seen the difference that coaching can make and I want to be able to bring it to others.
It’s actually sort of simple:
You need to create the life you want AND you need to create the change inside of you.
You only have two levers to pull in this quest:
your perspective, and
your reality
If you try to improve your reality without improving your perspective, you’ll probably experience what is officially known as “same shit, different pile”.
If you try to improve your perspective without improving your reality, you might end up leaving happiness, joy, meaning, and significance on the table.
Basically, I believe that you need to pull on both levers.
It’s not just most effective to pull on both levers, I believe it’s your f###ing responsibility to do it. Your responsibility to put in the hard work to take responsibility and tackle your life.
If that doesn’t appeal to you, close the browser and forget about this website. There are no silver bullets here that will fix all of your problems.
Just simple solutions that require you to show up and give it your all. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.
We take risks and make mistakes, but the one thing that we don’t risk is lying there at the end of our life, regretting the chances we didn’t take and the fear we let win.
Look - you’ve set goals and achieved them before. You did it then and you can do it now. Maybe the goals didn’t have the outcomes you wanted, but that doesn’t mean that the right goals wouldn’t make a difference.
You can do it. And we can do it together.
That's it. Although it's simple, it's not easy. We're repeatedly being bombarded with messages of who we should be and what we should be doing.
Messages from the media, from family, from friends and colleagues. Worst of all, there are the messages that we tell to ourselves.
Those messages mess with our compass. They have us chase the wrong goals. They have us question our ability. Without realizing it, we undermine our chance at a life that works for us.
I promise you: the benefits go far deeper than just being happy in your life. When you get unstuck and start walking this journey, you’re going to show up as a leader in all aspects of your life.
You’ll make a difference with your family and friends, and at work, and, ultimately, you’ll leave this world a better place.
I promise you - you can do this.
The first step is for you to raise your hand and say I’m ready to commit to myself and to those around me.
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